Having a baby changed my mind

I never felt called to be a mother.  I was like most teens in saying that I'd never have kids, and people nodded, smirking, and told me,

"Wait until you grow up.  You'll change your mind."

"Grown up" and in college, motherhood still held no appeal.  I was studying French, and wanted to use it to travel the world.  Kids didn't fit into that picture at all.  People still nodded, smirking, and said,

"Wait until you get married.  You'll change your mind."

Dan entered the picture when I was twenty-four.  We both had a mind for overseas missions, but I frankly confessed that children were not on the agenda.  If he chose to marry me, he chose not to have children.  He took his time making the decision, and came to the conclusion that it wasn't a deal-breaker.  We were open about our choice, and people nodded, smirking, and said,

"Wait until you're settled into you marriage, you'll change your mind."

Our wedding was nothing special, but our marriage was (and still is, come to think of it) peaceful, happy, and loving.  Sure, we hit our snags and bumps, but we worked well together.  We moved into a beautiful apartment in a standard suburb and found a church home.  I struggled to learn to cook, Dan struggled to eat enough not to starve.  Our family seemed complete with just the three of us: Dan, Leslie, and Jesus holding them together.  A baby wasn't necessary.  The nodding and irritating smirking continued as people argued,

"Wait until you have a little more money and space, you'll change your mind."

Work picked up for Dan, and I was promoted.  Even so, renting the apartment became too costly to make sense.  We found a sizable house to rent from family and moved in.  I never did "change my mind."  Babies were still only to be cuddled and snuggled, then handed back to their mothers as they fussed.  Kids were fun, but I had other fun things in my life.  I still saw myself traveling the world, free as a bird, never setting down real roots.

But I began to feel troubled.  God had started whispering to me.  I needed to find a job that offered benefits so that I could have better medical coverage.  Though I loved my job at the middle school, I began searching for something full-time and benefitted.  I was a shoe-in for several I interviewed for, but was passed over again and again.  Finally, a friend heard of a job at a charter and advised me to apply.

I barely interviewed.  The job was handed to me for no real merit of my own.  I knew it must have been God's work, but I wasn't sure why.  That was alright, though, because He was whispering again.  This time, He was asking me to do something much more difficult than leaving even a really enjoyable job.  I wasn't willing to listen.  I told myself it was my clock ticking.  I reminded myself of all my reasons not to do it.  But it was no use.  The message, though quiet and undemanding, was clear:

All the plans you have for yourself are good and well-intentioned, but they are not MY plans for you.

I chose not to speak to my wonderful husband about the message I heard on the wind.  In fact, I wanted so badly for it to go away, I didn't even talk to Jesus about it, but I now knew why he had bidden me to find a job with medical coverage.  I was going to need it if I chose to answer this new call.

Dan and I went though more turmoil in our marriage that summer than we ever had, but we stuck together, and came out of the strife stronger than ever.  All throughout that time, God persisted in His coaxing.

Hot days grew shorter, giving way to an indian summer.  I could ignore it no longer.  I knew I had to bring up the message with my husband.  Knowing confessing out loud would make it real; make me have to do something about it, I was terrified.  Dan arrived home from work, and before he even had his shoes off, I blurted,

"God has been speaking to me, and I need to talk to you about it."

Dan answered with his usual calm surety, "He's been telling you to have a baby?"

I went and got a glass of wine.

Now that my instructions were out in the open, I felt better.  My husband and I prayed over the situation, and came to the conclusion that we would start "trying" with the new year.  I came off of oral contraceptive in November, began eating nourishing, good-for-fertility food in December, and began tracking my cycle on New Year's Eve.

One month.  That's how long it took us to get Alice.  A miracle we took as God's confirmation that we had made the right decision.

My pregnancy was uneventful, and you can read my birth story here.  But those are their own stories.  This one has another reason to be told.  You see, as soon as our little Alice arrived, I was at home in my true calling from God.  Being a momma to her is so clearly what I am supposed to do, I barely recall the person I was before.  I guess He knew what was best better than I did.  It's like He's God or something!

I always hated the smirks and the nods, and I still seethe at the I-told-you-sos.  So I hope this will set the record straight.  I didn't change my mind about having a baby, having a baby changed my mind.